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I don’t know what I want.
I hear this all the time from coaching clients when we start designing life changes.
As we transition to spring and the possibility of a post-pandemic world, change is palpable. I can feel it in the air, like wafting pollen or condensation resting gently on the surface of my skin.
This seasonal shift is an opportunity to examine our lives with fewer constraints. Many of us can now work wherever we want. We’re finally emerging from a year-long hibernation spent simmering on big questions.
Change, however, is also scary. And as human beings, we are impressively skillful at resisting change.
I don’t know what I want, and therefore I can’t change my life… not yet.
It’s comforting to believe we don’t know what we want. It means we get to stay exactly where we are— even if it’s misaligned with our best lives. Our brains would rather remain with something certain and deeply unfulfilling than explore a less defined possibility.
You know more than you think
Here’s the stunning reality: You have more clarity than you think.
Sure, you won’t know all the details of your future (none of us do), and there may be big X’s to solve for.
Yet, I’ve found with nearly every coaching client that clear, vivid dreams live unambiguously in the back closets of their minds, waiting to be acknowledged and given a seat at the table.
To know what we want, we need to give ourselves permission to dream.
Have you ever conjured up a micro-dream about your future life?
It comes when we take a beautiful hike. When we climb up to the top and a stunning overtakes us, a momentary thought bubble appears: What would it be like to live atop a mountain like this, so close to the sky, the earth, the trees?
But that’s impractical. I’d be too far away from the city. I’d miss out on too much: happy hours, parties, professional events, new restaurant openings.
It comes when we gather for a special occasion— tuck away our smartphones, cook a large meal together, and spend the night chattering, laughing, reminiscing— until one of us gasps at how late it is. We wonder: What if this happened every single week, not just once a year?
But that’s wishful thinking. I don’t have the time and energy, and neither do the people I love.
It comes when, after an exhausting week at work, we experience a five second glimpse of peace and wonder. In the alluring swirl of creamer through our black coffee. In the crisp air and warmth of the sun on our morning run. In watering our garden or collection of houseplants, watching the water slowly seep into soil. Could an entire day or entire week feel this serene, this present and free of anxieties?
But stress is a necessary part of achieving the lifestyle that my family and I want.
It comes in a passing glimmer when we see someone else in their element, living in harmonious congruence with who they are. The jazz musician in the park, eyes closed, pouring their soul into a song. The performer on stage, expressing their authentic self so completely they practically glow. The barista, carefully pouring frothed milk into a glass of espresso with commitment and honed skill.
But I couldn’t possibly love what I do and make enough money.
It comes in an unanticipated flicker of fervor and restless energy when we encounter an issue we’re passionate about. For a few days, we can’t stop reading about, thinking about, talking about it. “Here is a fascinating problem worth solving,” we say.
But I don’t have a graduate degree in this topic. Why would I be the one to solve it? And it makes no sense to throw away the qualifications I’ve accumulated to pursue something so random.
In the recesses of our minds, we store passing fragments of experience— scraps that, when pieced together, form a distinctive tapestry of what we want in life.
But just as our dreams begin to bloom, our skeptical and pragmatic mind slices through the bud like a clamoring lawnmower. We are exceptionally talented at coming up with reasons why we shouldn’t, why we couldn’t live our best lives.
Vision over excuses
Two weeks ago, I left my career in product management — something I never imagined I’d do a year ago.
The surprising trigger: buying an empty five acre plot of land in the Berkshire hills.
Nothing about my day-to-day life changed. Yet, nearly overnight, my disposition toward a decade-long career in product management shifted.
What was the difference? Owning land two hours away from New York City, surrounded by trees and sky, overlooking rolling hills— it gave me a vivid picture to start fantasizing about what life could be like.
Standing atop that grassy incline, I could picture it: waking up to lush greenery, walking outside in the early morning with a glass of jasmine tea and hearing birdsong, overlooking a field of wildflowers as I do my daily work, spending gorgeously long stretches of time with the people I love, having a kind of impact on other people that gives me bounding energy rather than drains me.
At the time, I had no idea what my future job would be. But I knew what my ideal day would look like. What was previously a wisp of my imagination became a full color, five-sensory experience, defined over weeks through layers of increasingly specific daydreams.
I gave myself permission to dream: about the details of my weekdays and weekends, who I’d spend time with, how I’d spend my time, how I’d feel living out in nature.
My inner skeptic took a backseat because, after all, I owned the land where all of this could play out. There was nothing stopping me from dreaming.
Previously, when my desires raised their hand to speak, I snapped: “that makes no sense.” Now, I said: “tell me more.”
How to let your vision bloom
You don’t need to buy a plot of land to know what you want in life.
The first step to redesigning your life is giving yourself permission to dream.
If you want to live more meaningfully, but don’t feel like you have clarity about it looks like— I made a vision exercise just for you. It’ll take 15 minutes and will help you explore future possibilities.
Love and health,
All the art in this post was created by digital artist Nikola Miljkovic. Isn’t his work beautiful and exactly what we need right now? You can support him by buying prints online.